Ya know, I actually like the cover, but, I hated the movie, and, 2 mins. won't help it any. I don't like Uwe Boll's films, but, for some odd reason, I'm stoked about Dungeon Siege.

Chris Johnson wrote: Will this be in the correct aspect ratio this time?
i think the answer to that is, "who gives a f**k?"

Argh! I was so pissed at this whole affair. Boll is the anti-Christ, and I remember when he put out the boxing challenge, I so wanted to enter, but the cutoff for weight class was 180 lb. Already at 6'0, 195 lb with less than 3% body fat, I saw little way to drop the 15 lbs short of diuretics, and even then I was afraid I'd lose a bit of muscle mass, but I was committed. I contacted his people and asked why I wasn't on the list, as I was one of his most vehement opposer on IMDb, I used to flame his boards three or four times a day. His people said it had now changed to 175 lb cutoff. I was sore as hell. I'd already planned a diet, was even going to quit smoking, and I thought I'd have more than a chance as I studied boxing in my youth probably a hell of a lot more than he did, and probably spent more time in the ring as well. Alas, it was not meant to be. Probably just as well. I would've left him even more brain damaged than he is, and if it's even possible, his films might get worse. Even a hard-core sex scene with Tara Reid wouldn't save this pile of steaming turds. Her breasts are mangled enough from her implant surgery, and would you look at the cover-art?! Slater looks like he's trying to hold in a fart, and Reid looks like a painted-up street-w***e. But for those who care to read it, here is one of my favorite (and many others favorite) post I'd done about Boll:


"I've been having a lot of problems in my relationship recently, and I can trace most of this back to one event, and upon exploration, found some terrifying revelations.

"It all started on my fiancee's and my first date: October 12, 2003. She and I were going to a late movie, and upon looking at the releases that weekend, decided on 'House of the Dead'. I thought, hey the game was cool, plus it's a horror movie; she'll be putty in my hands! Blessedly, we didn't see much of the movie as we were otherwise occupied, but of what I did see, I was horrified. It was like passing a massive automobile accident on the way to your honeymoon; kind of kills the mood, and a bad omen as well.

"As time went on, the girl and I became more serious, and as a present, she got me 'House of the Dead' on DVD, as it was the movie we saw on our first date. She insisted that we watch the whole thing as we had missed most of it the first time. This was the same weekend that she met my parents, and we were staying at a resort in south Florida, and we watched it on my PS2 which we had brought with us. Needless to say, after watching the movie I felt nauseous, as did she, and out of the middle of nowhere, an argument ensued and raged up until the arrival of my parents. Things were tense the whole weekend.

"Fights were on and off from that point forward, and earlier the year it was released, we decided to go see another movie called 'Alone in the Dark'. I know what you're saying, but I had zero knowledge of Uwe's involvement in the film until the beginning credits started to roll. I recognized the name almost immediately, and insisted we leave the theater. My fiancee refused, and insisted we sit through it. Needless to say, the result was again nausea and a WWIII caliber argument afterwards. I think these movies breed negative energy, kind of like the negatively charged slime in Ghostbusters II.

"So I decided it was time to do something. We've all of course had our suspicions that Uwe Boll and Satan are somehow connected. So I decided to go down and have a chat with Lucifer himself, Constantine style. However, I'm too much of a pansy to slash my wrists, so I got in the bathtub and dropped a toaster in.

"When I awoke, I was in an elevator. I got up to my feet, and noticed it was steadily dropping, yet the numbers for the floors continually increased?! As the elevator descended, I heard the Muzak in the background begin to pick up some volume, and I realized the song was playing was 'Sail Away', by Enya. Being Catholic, I had often heard from the old Padres that this was rumored to be the song you hear on the way to Hell. As the music built, my heart sank in my chest, and it became increasingly loud and annoying, just like Enya. Just when I thought the music couldn't get any worse, the elevator stopped at floor 666, and the doors swung open.

"What I saw is difficult to describe. Hoards and hoards of trolls lined up at computer terminals, singing the praises of Uwe Boll. Third-Eye-Blind wailed in the background, and the air stank of Marlon Brando's pasta-fueled flatulence. My head spun from this assault on the senses, and I went to empty the contents of my stomach on the floor, but before I could, a hand reached up and covered my mouth, causing me to choke on my own vomit. The voice screamed at me, 'Kind of like watching the films of Uwe Boll, isn't it!'

"The hand belonged to none other than Jaleel White. He then proceeded to take me on a guided tour of Hell, and explained their plans, Bond-villain style. He went into detail about how Uwe Boll, while studying for his doctorate, realized that his entire life had been a sham, and that while his IQ was steadily hovering around 65, he had somehow managed to con his way through academia. It was at this point revealed to Boll that he was, indeed, the b*****d child of Satan and one of Hitler's dog's turds. As some say God takes care of small children and idiots, it was not God watching over Boll, but his father, Satan.

"Satan came to explain to Boll that he had a way to influence people into believing unbelievable garbage regarding his abilities or lack thereof, and part of this was because he was the son of the Prince of Lies. Boll cried to his father that none of his fellow schoolmates respected him, and all they ever did was make fun of his melonic dome and play video games, and watch movies that didn't suck canal water. It was at this point that Satan and Boll hatched their plan to unleash a horde of films so awful it would make heaven itself wretch and give up hope that there is basic goodness in humankind.

"He then told me of the Apocalypse, and the signs; the critics sudden acceptance of Boll's work, despite the box-office receipts; Boll's appearance on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' where he'll be interviewed by his half-brother and fellow son of Satan, James Lipton; the cancellation of Family Guy and it's replacement with the Uwe Boll video game hour; and finally, Boll's Oscar nomination. It is at the Academy Awards that people finally wake up, when God himself intercedes and vaporizes the Academy judges, many long on Satan's payroll, and Boll narrowly loses the award to Clint Eastwood, but it is too late. Boll's nomination was enough to start the Apocalypse, and it begins when he bites the head off of Haley Joel Osment, and unleashes Hell.

"Why are you telling me this, Urkel?" I asked Jaleel.
He responded, "Because there is nothing you can do about it, your soul is damned!"
I asked, "Why, because I killed myself?"
"No, you idiot", he bellowed, "You didn't kill yourself, the toaster wasn't even plugged in. When you dropped it, you hit yourself in the bean bag and blacked out. Your soul is damned because you chose to see House of the Dead over Kill Bill Vol. 1 it's opening weekend!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, and felt the trolls grabbing at my heels. I then remembered the ampule of Holy Water I carry in cases of emergency. I smashed it into Jaleel's face and watched it melt. It was when his voice turned all nasally and whiny that things went dark...

"I woke up in my bed. Had it all been a dream? I walked into the kitchen and saw the toaster was unplugged. I tipped it over and two soggy, strawberry Pop Tarts fell out, and I felt an ache in my nads.

"A vision of things to come? Let us pray that Urkel is wrong..."

lol is all that needs to be said

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I will be honest. I thought House of the Dead was great neo-schlock with a good amount of 'Solid Zombie Action'. Bloodrayne was kind of funny. But this movie....unsalvageable. Just plain bad.

Boll did direct "Bloodrayne 2" from what I hear. The only plus to that one is that it is going DTV.

This movie is so bad it's almost good.  Who cast Tara Reid as a scientist/museum curator?  That bit alone makes this one of the all time great c**ptastic masterpieces!

Sorry, Sam, too many big words in there for you? I'll try to make my posts monosyllabic in the future just for you. *rolls eyes so hard my retinas detach*

i still don't know how this man keeps making movies. he must be in the mafia or something.