Alone in the Dark: Director's Cut (US - DVD R1)
Lionsgate bestows the public with a new director's cut of this Uwe Boll production
Title: Alone in the Dark: Director's Cut (IMDb)
Starring: Christian Slater
Released: 25th September 2007
SRP: $19.98
Further Details:
Lionsgate has announced the upcoming release of Alone in the Dark: Director's Cut for 25th September. This horror comes from prolific director - Uwe Boll - and stars: Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. For this DVD release, the film will run for 98 minutes with remastered sound in 6.1 DTS ES and Dolby Digital 5.1 EX. Special features will include: a featurette about the director, a director's commentary and an art gallery (all subject to change). Cover artwork for this release is included below.
News by Malcolm Campbell
Starring: Christian Slater
Released: 25th September 2007
SRP: $19.98
Further Details:
Lionsgate has announced the upcoming release of Alone in the Dark: Director's Cut for 25th September. This horror comes from prolific director - Uwe Boll - and stars: Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. For this DVD release, the film will run for 98 minutes with remastered sound in 6.1 DTS ES and Dolby Digital 5.1 EX. Special features will include: a featurette about the director, a director's commentary and an art gallery (all subject to change). Cover artwork for this release is included below.
News by Malcolm Campbell
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Existing Posts
iTone wrote: i still don't know how this man keeps making movies. he must be in the mafia or something.
shhhhhh! if i was in the mafia, i would be really offended by that, lol. you dont wanna get shot do you? hahaha.
shhhhhh! if i was in the mafia, i would be really offended by that, lol. you dont wanna get shot do you? hahaha.
i still don't know how this man keeps making movies. he must be in the mafia or something.
Wow, can't beleive there are 45 - err, scratch that 46 - posts for such a horrid movie! It just proves that we all can't resist a good bash!
Sorry, Sam, too many big words in there for you? I'll try to make my posts monosyllabic in the future just for you. *rolls eyes so hard my retinas detach*
Fake Shemp wrote: Argh! I was so pissed at this whole affair. Boll is the anti-Christ, and I remember when he put out the boxing challenge, I so wanted to enter, but the cutoff for weight class was 180 lb. Already at 6'0, 195 lb with less than 3% body fat, I saw little way to drop the 15 lbs short of diuretics, and even then I was afraid I'd lose a bit of muscle mass, but I was committed. I contacted his people and asked why I wasn't on the list, as I was one of his most vehement opposer on IMDb, I used to flame his boards three or four times a day. His people said it had now changed to 175 lb cutoff. I was sore as hell. I'd already planned a diet, was even going to quit smoking, and I thought I'd have more than a chance as I studied boxing in my youth probably a hell of a lot more than he did, and probably spent more time in the ring as well. Alas, it was not meant to be. Probably just as well. I would've left him even more brain damaged than he is, and if it's even possible, his films might get worse. Even a hard-core sex scene with Tara Reid wouldn't save this pile of steaming turds. Her breasts are mangled enough from her implant surgery, and would you look at the cover-art?! Slater looks like he's trying to hold in a fart, and Reid looks like a painted-up street-w***e. But for those who care to read it, here is one of my favorite (and many others favorite) post I'd done about Boll:
"I've been having a lot of problems in my relationship recently, and I can trace most of this back to one event, and upon exploration, found some terrifying revelations.
"It all started on my fiancee's and my first date: October 12, 2003. She and I were going to a late movie, and upon looking at the releases that weekend, decided on 'House of the Dead'. I thought, hey the game was cool, plus it's a horror movie; she'll be putty in my hands! Blessedly, we didn't see much of the movie as we were otherwise occupied, but of what I did see, I was horrified. It was like passing a massive automobile accident on the way to your honeymoon; kind of kills the mood, and a bad omen as well.
"As time went on, the girl and I became more serious, and as a present, she got me 'House of the Dead' on DVD, as it was the movie we saw on our first date. She insisted that we watch the whole thing as we had missed most of it the first time. This was the same weekend that she met my parents, and we were staying at a resort in south Florida, and we watched it on my PS2 which we had brought with us. Needless to say, after watching the movie I felt nauseous, as did she, and out of the middle of nowhere, an argument ensued and raged up until the arrival of my parents. Things were tense the whole weekend.
"Fights were on and off from that point forward, and earlier the year it was released, we decided to go see another movie called 'Alone in the Dark'. I know what you're saying, but I had zero knowledge of Uwe's involvement in the film until the beginning credits started to roll. I recognized the name almost immediately, and insisted we leave the theater. My fiancee refused, and insisted we sit through it. Needless to say, the result was again nausea and a WWIII caliber argument afterwards. I think these movies breed negative energy, kind of like the negatively charged slime in Ghostbusters II.
"So I decided it was time to do something. We've all of course had our suspicions that Uwe Boll and Satan are somehow connected. So I decided to go down and have a chat with Lucifer himself, Constantine style. However, I'm too much of a pansy to slash my wrists, so I got in the bathtub and dropped a toaster in.
"When I awoke, I was in an elevator. I got up to my feet, and noticed it was steadily dropping, yet the numbers for the floors continually increased?! As the elevator descended, I heard the Muzak in the background begin to pick up some volume, and I realized the song was playing was 'Sail Away', by Enya. Being Catholic, I had often heard from the old Padres that this was rumored to be the song you hear on the way to Hell. As the music built, my heart sank in my chest, and it became increasingly loud and annoying, just like Enya. Just when I thought the music couldn't get any worse, the elevator stopped at floor 666, and the doors swung open.
"What I saw is difficult to describe. Hoards and hoards of trolls lined up at computer terminals, singing the praises of Uwe Boll. Third-Eye-Blind wailed in the background, and the air stank of Marlon Brando's pasta-fueled flatulence. My head spun from this assault on the senses, and I went to empty the contents of my stomach on the floor, but before I could, a hand reached up and covered my mouth, causing me to choke on my own vomit. The voice screamed at me, 'Kind of like watching the films of Uwe Boll, isn't it!'
"The hand belonged to none other than Jaleel White. He then proceeded to take me on a guided tour of Hell, and explained their plans, Bond-villain style. He went into detail about how Uwe Boll, while studying for his doctorate, realized that his entire life had been a sham, and that while his IQ was steadily hovering around 65, he had somehow managed to con his way through academia. It was at this point revealed to Boll that he was, indeed, the b*****d child of Satan and one of Hitler's dog's turds. As some say God takes care of small children and idiots, it was not God watching over Boll, but his father, Satan.
"Satan came to explain to Boll that he had a way to influence people into believing unbelievable garbage regarding his abilities or lack thereof, and part of this was because he was the son of the Prince of Lies. Boll cried to his father that none of his fellow schoolmates respected him, and all they ever did was make fun of his melonic dome and play video games, and watch movies that didn't suck canal water. It was at this point that Satan and Boll hatched their plan to unleash a horde of films so awful it would make heaven itself wretch and give up hope that there is basic goodness in humankind.
"He then told me of the Apocalypse, and the signs; the critics sudden acceptance of Boll's work, despite the box-office receipts; Boll's appearance on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' where he'll be interviewed by his half-brother and fellow son of Satan, James Lipton; the cancellation of Family Guy and it's replacement with the Uwe Boll video game hour; and finally, Boll's Oscar nomination. It is at the Academy Awards that people finally wake up, when God himself intercedes and vaporizes the Academy judges, many long on Satan's payroll, and Boll narrowly loses the award to Clint Eastwood, but it is too late. Boll's nomination was enough to start the Apocalypse, and it begins when he bites the head off of Haley Joel Osment, and unleashes Hell.
"Why are you telling me this, Urkel?" I asked Jaleel.
He responded, "Because there is nothing you can do about it, your soul is damned!"
I asked, "Why, because I killed myself?"
"No, you idiot", he bellowed, "You didn't kill yourself, the toaster wasn't even plugged in. When you dropped it, you hit yourself in the bean bag and blacked out. Your soul is damned because you chose to see House of the Dead over Kill Bill Vol. 1 it's opening weekend!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, and felt the trolls grabbing at my heels. I then remembered the ampule of Holy Water I carry in cases of emergency. I smashed it into Jaleel's face and watched it melt. It was when his voice turned all nasally and whiny that things went dark...
"I woke up in my bed. Had it all been a dream? I walked into the kitchen and saw the toaster was unplugged. I tipped it over and two soggy, strawberry Pop Tarts fell out, and I felt an ache in my nads.
"A vision of things to come? Let us pray that Urkel is wrong..."
Yes we all hate Uwe Boll too but can express it in one or two sentences.ahahahahah
"I've been having a lot of problems in my relationship recently, and I can trace most of this back to one event, and upon exploration, found some terrifying revelations.
"It all started on my fiancee's and my first date: October 12, 2003. She and I were going to a late movie, and upon looking at the releases that weekend, decided on 'House of the Dead'. I thought, hey the game was cool, plus it's a horror movie; she'll be putty in my hands! Blessedly, we didn't see much of the movie as we were otherwise occupied, but of what I did see, I was horrified. It was like passing a massive automobile accident on the way to your honeymoon; kind of kills the mood, and a bad omen as well.
"As time went on, the girl and I became more serious, and as a present, she got me 'House of the Dead' on DVD, as it was the movie we saw on our first date. She insisted that we watch the whole thing as we had missed most of it the first time. This was the same weekend that she met my parents, and we were staying at a resort in south Florida, and we watched it on my PS2 which we had brought with us. Needless to say, after watching the movie I felt nauseous, as did she, and out of the middle of nowhere, an argument ensued and raged up until the arrival of my parents. Things were tense the whole weekend.
"Fights were on and off from that point forward, and earlier the year it was released, we decided to go see another movie called 'Alone in the Dark'. I know what you're saying, but I had zero knowledge of Uwe's involvement in the film until the beginning credits started to roll. I recognized the name almost immediately, and insisted we leave the theater. My fiancee refused, and insisted we sit through it. Needless to say, the result was again nausea and a WWIII caliber argument afterwards. I think these movies breed negative energy, kind of like the negatively charged slime in Ghostbusters II.
"So I decided it was time to do something. We've all of course had our suspicions that Uwe Boll and Satan are somehow connected. So I decided to go down and have a chat with Lucifer himself, Constantine style. However, I'm too much of a pansy to slash my wrists, so I got in the bathtub and dropped a toaster in.
"When I awoke, I was in an elevator. I got up to my feet, and noticed it was steadily dropping, yet the numbers for the floors continually increased?! As the elevator descended, I heard the Muzak in the background begin to pick up some volume, and I realized the song was playing was 'Sail Away', by Enya. Being Catholic, I had often heard from the old Padres that this was rumored to be the song you hear on the way to Hell. As the music built, my heart sank in my chest, and it became increasingly loud and annoying, just like Enya. Just when I thought the music couldn't get any worse, the elevator stopped at floor 666, and the doors swung open.
"What I saw is difficult to describe. Hoards and hoards of trolls lined up at computer terminals, singing the praises of Uwe Boll. Third-Eye-Blind wailed in the background, and the air stank of Marlon Brando's pasta-fueled flatulence. My head spun from this assault on the senses, and I went to empty the contents of my stomach on the floor, but before I could, a hand reached up and covered my mouth, causing me to choke on my own vomit. The voice screamed at me, 'Kind of like watching the films of Uwe Boll, isn't it!'
"The hand belonged to none other than Jaleel White. He then proceeded to take me on a guided tour of Hell, and explained their plans, Bond-villain style. He went into detail about how Uwe Boll, while studying for his doctorate, realized that his entire life had been a sham, and that while his IQ was steadily hovering around 65, he had somehow managed to con his way through academia. It was at this point revealed to Boll that he was, indeed, the b*****d child of Satan and one of Hitler's dog's turds. As some say God takes care of small children and idiots, it was not God watching over Boll, but his father, Satan.
"Satan came to explain to Boll that he had a way to influence people into believing unbelievable garbage regarding his abilities or lack thereof, and part of this was because he was the son of the Prince of Lies. Boll cried to his father that none of his fellow schoolmates respected him, and all they ever did was make fun of his melonic dome and play video games, and watch movies that didn't suck canal water. It was at this point that Satan and Boll hatched their plan to unleash a horde of films so awful it would make heaven itself wretch and give up hope that there is basic goodness in humankind.
"He then told me of the Apocalypse, and the signs; the critics sudden acceptance of Boll's work, despite the box-office receipts; Boll's appearance on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' where he'll be interviewed by his half-brother and fellow son of Satan, James Lipton; the cancellation of Family Guy and it's replacement with the Uwe Boll video game hour; and finally, Boll's Oscar nomination. It is at the Academy Awards that people finally wake up, when God himself intercedes and vaporizes the Academy judges, many long on Satan's payroll, and Boll narrowly loses the award to Clint Eastwood, but it is too late. Boll's nomination was enough to start the Apocalypse, and it begins when he bites the head off of Haley Joel Osment, and unleashes Hell.
"Why are you telling me this, Urkel?" I asked Jaleel.
He responded, "Because there is nothing you can do about it, your soul is damned!"
I asked, "Why, because I killed myself?"
"No, you idiot", he bellowed, "You didn't kill yourself, the toaster wasn't even plugged in. When you dropped it, you hit yourself in the bean bag and blacked out. Your soul is damned because you chose to see House of the Dead over Kill Bill Vol. 1 it's opening weekend!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, and felt the trolls grabbing at my heels. I then remembered the ampule of Holy Water I carry in cases of emergency. I smashed it into Jaleel's face and watched it melt. It was when his voice turned all nasally and whiny that things went dark...
"I woke up in my bed. Had it all been a dream? I walked into the kitchen and saw the toaster was unplugged. I tipped it over and two soggy, strawberry Pop Tarts fell out, and I felt an ache in my nads.
"A vision of things to come? Let us pray that Urkel is wrong..."
Yes we all hate Uwe Boll too but can express it in one or two sentences.ahahahahah
This movie is so bad it's almost good. Who cast Tara Reid as a scientist/museum curator? That bit alone makes this one of the all time great c**ptastic masterpieces!
Chris Johnson wrote: Will this be in the correct aspect ratio this time?
i dont think adding another 5% to the film's screen image will make this movie any better. actually, i'd say it would make it even more unwatchable.
"Director's Cut?" I dont know whether that is a good, or bad thing. Wait, hold on a minute. I should slap myself for even asking that. "Good" and "Uwe Boll" do not belong in the same sentence, unless of course the sentence is "Uwe Boll is not good," lol. But im sure there are far better and more interesting phrases one can use in describing what Uwe Boll is besides "not good."
"Alone in the Dark": the perfect phrase to describe someone who actually liked this rotten piece of sh!t.
Yes, i AM really that mad. All humans have the right to be when is comes to having watched a movie by Uwe Boll.
Hahaha "Shut up or put up!" Damn that Boll, what a sore loser.
i dont think adding another 5% to the film's screen image will make this movie any better. actually, i'd say it would make it even more unwatchable.
"Director's Cut?" I dont know whether that is a good, or bad thing. Wait, hold on a minute. I should slap myself for even asking that. "Good" and "Uwe Boll" do not belong in the same sentence, unless of course the sentence is "Uwe Boll is not good," lol. But im sure there are far better and more interesting phrases one can use in describing what Uwe Boll is besides "not good."
"Alone in the Dark": the perfect phrase to describe someone who actually liked this rotten piece of sh!t.
Yes, i AM really that mad. All humans have the right to be when is comes to having watched a movie by Uwe Boll.
Hahaha "Shut up or put up!" Damn that Boll, what a sore loser.
Boll did direct "Bloodrayne 2" from what I hear. The only plus to that one is that it is going DTV.
Toilet Boll needs to stop making ugly smelly-uwe movies....all his movies equally suck. The actors he picks in his movies are the only reasons to watch his movies...i.e. Kristanna Loken, Michelle Rodriguez, Natassia Malthe in BloodRayne 2. (altho he's not directing it i dont think)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I will be honest. I thought House of the Dead was great neo-schlock with a good amount of 'Solid Zombie Action'. Bloodrayne was kind of funny. But this movie....unsalvageable. Just plain bad.
I will be honest. I thought House of the Dead was great neo-schlock with a good amount of 'Solid Zombie Action'. Bloodrayne was kind of funny. But this movie....unsalvageable. Just plain bad.
I heard about this but wasn't really sure it would see the light of day so this is fantastic news. Does anyone know what the extra footage is? I already have the original R1 release but I don't mind double dipping every now and again and this definitely looks like it will be worth it. I don't think the sequel will be as good as this one but I'm looking forward to it all the same.
lol is all that needs to be said
This has to be a joke...
Argh! I was so pissed at this whole affair. Boll is the anti-Christ, and I remember when he put out the boxing challenge, I so wanted to enter, but the cutoff for weight class was 180 lb. Already at 6'0, 195 lb with less than 3% body fat, I saw little way to drop the 15 lbs short of diuretics, and even then I was afraid I'd lose a bit of muscle mass, but I was committed. I contacted his people and asked why I wasn't on the list, as I was one of his most vehement opposer on IMDb, I used to flame his boards three or four times a day. His people said it had now changed to 175 lb cutoff. I was sore as hell. I'd already planned a diet, was even going to quit smoking, and I thought I'd have more than a chance as I studied boxing in my youth probably a hell of a lot more than he did, and probably spent more time in the ring as well. Alas, it was not meant to be. Probably just as well. I would've left him even more brain damaged than he is, and if it's even possible, his films might get worse. Even a hard-core sex scene with Tara Reid wouldn't save this pile of steaming turds. Her breasts are mangled enough from her implant surgery, and would you look at the cover-art?! Slater looks like he's trying to hold in a fart, and Reid looks like a painted-up street-w***e. But for those who care to read it, here is one of my favorite (and many others favorite) post I'd done about Boll:
"I've been having a lot of problems in my relationship recently, and I can trace most of this back to one event, and upon exploration, found some terrifying revelations.
"It all started on my fiancee's and my first date: October 12, 2003. She and I were going to a late movie, and upon looking at the releases that weekend, decided on 'House of the Dead'. I thought, hey the game was cool, plus it's a horror movie; she'll be putty in my hands! Blessedly, we didn't see much of the movie as we were otherwise occupied, but of what I did see, I was horrified. It was like passing a massive automobile accident on the way to your honeymoon; kind of kills the mood, and a bad omen as well.
"As time went on, the girl and I became more serious, and as a present, she got me 'House of the Dead' on DVD, as it was the movie we saw on our first date. She insisted that we watch the whole thing as we had missed most of it the first time. This was the same weekend that she met my parents, and we were staying at a resort in south Florida, and we watched it on my PS2 which we had brought with us. Needless to say, after watching the movie I felt nauseous, as did she, and out of the middle of nowhere, an argument ensued and raged up until the arrival of my parents. Things were tense the whole weekend.
"Fights were on and off from that point forward, and earlier the year it was released, we decided to go see another movie called 'Alone in the Dark'. I know what you're saying, but I had zero knowledge of Uwe's involvement in the film until the beginning credits started to roll. I recognized the name almost immediately, and insisted we leave the theater. My fiancee refused, and insisted we sit through it. Needless to say, the result was again nausea and a WWIII caliber argument afterwards. I think these movies breed negative energy, kind of like the negatively charged slime in Ghostbusters II.
"So I decided it was time to do something. We've all of course had our suspicions that Uwe Boll and Satan are somehow connected. So I decided to go down and have a chat with Lucifer himself, Constantine style. However, I'm too much of a pansy to slash my wrists, so I got in the bathtub and dropped a toaster in.
"When I awoke, I was in an elevator. I got up to my feet, and noticed it was steadily dropping, yet the numbers for the floors continually increased?! As the elevator descended, I heard the Muzak in the background begin to pick up some volume, and I realized the song was playing was 'Sail Away', by Enya. Being Catholic, I had often heard from the old Padres that this was rumored to be the song you hear on the way to Hell. As the music built, my heart sank in my chest, and it became increasingly loud and annoying, just like Enya. Just when I thought the music couldn't get any worse, the elevator stopped at floor 666, and the doors swung open.
"What I saw is difficult to describe. Hoards and hoards of trolls lined up at computer terminals, singing the praises of Uwe Boll. Third-Eye-Blind wailed in the background, and the air stank of Marlon Brando's pasta-fueled flatulence. My head spun from this assault on the senses, and I went to empty the contents of my stomach on the floor, but before I could, a hand reached up and covered my mouth, causing me to choke on my own vomit. The voice screamed at me, 'Kind of like watching the films of Uwe Boll, isn't it!'
"The hand belonged to none other than Jaleel White. He then proceeded to take me on a guided tour of Hell, and explained their plans, Bond-villain style. He went into detail about how Uwe Boll, while studying for his doctorate, realized that his entire life had been a sham, and that while his IQ was steadily hovering around 65, he had somehow managed to con his way through academia. It was at this point revealed to Boll that he was, indeed, the b*****d child of Satan and one of Hitler's dog's turds. As some say God takes care of small children and idiots, it was not God watching over Boll, but his father, Satan.
"Satan came to explain to Boll that he had a way to influence people into believing unbelievable garbage regarding his abilities or lack thereof, and part of this was because he was the son of the Prince of Lies. Boll cried to his father that none of his fellow schoolmates respected him, and all they ever did was make fun of his melonic dome and play video games, and watch movies that didn't suck canal water. It was at this point that Satan and Boll hatched their plan to unleash a horde of films so awful it would make heaven itself wretch and give up hope that there is basic goodness in humankind.
"He then told me of the Apocalypse, and the signs; the critics sudden acceptance of Boll's work, despite the box-office receipts; Boll's appearance on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' where he'll be interviewed by his half-brother and fellow son of Satan, James Lipton; the cancellation of Family Guy and it's replacement with the Uwe Boll video game hour; and finally, Boll's Oscar nomination. It is at the Academy Awards that people finally wake up, when God himself intercedes and vaporizes the Academy judges, many long on Satan's payroll, and Boll narrowly loses the award to Clint Eastwood, but it is too late. Boll's nomination was enough to start the Apocalypse, and it begins when he bites the head off of Haley Joel Osment, and unleashes Hell.
"Why are you telling me this, Urkel?" I asked Jaleel.
He responded, "Because there is nothing you can do about it, your soul is damned!"
I asked, "Why, because I killed myself?"
"No, you idiot", he bellowed, "You didn't kill yourself, the toaster wasn't even plugged in. When you dropped it, you hit yourself in the bean bag and blacked out. Your soul is damned because you chose to see House of the Dead over Kill Bill Vol. 1 it's opening weekend!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, and felt the trolls grabbing at my heels. I then remembered the ampule of Holy Water I carry in cases of emergency. I smashed it into Jaleel's face and watched it melt. It was when his voice turned all nasally and whiny that things went dark...
"I woke up in my bed. Had it all been a dream? I walked into the kitchen and saw the toaster was unplugged. I tipped it over and two soggy, strawberry Pop Tarts fell out, and I felt an ache in my nads.
"A vision of things to come? Let us pray that Urkel is wrong..."
"I've been having a lot of problems in my relationship recently, and I can trace most of this back to one event, and upon exploration, found some terrifying revelations.
"It all started on my fiancee's and my first date: October 12, 2003. She and I were going to a late movie, and upon looking at the releases that weekend, decided on 'House of the Dead'. I thought, hey the game was cool, plus it's a horror movie; she'll be putty in my hands! Blessedly, we didn't see much of the movie as we were otherwise occupied, but of what I did see, I was horrified. It was like passing a massive automobile accident on the way to your honeymoon; kind of kills the mood, and a bad omen as well.
"As time went on, the girl and I became more serious, and as a present, she got me 'House of the Dead' on DVD, as it was the movie we saw on our first date. She insisted that we watch the whole thing as we had missed most of it the first time. This was the same weekend that she met my parents, and we were staying at a resort in south Florida, and we watched it on my PS2 which we had brought with us. Needless to say, after watching the movie I felt nauseous, as did she, and out of the middle of nowhere, an argument ensued and raged up until the arrival of my parents. Things were tense the whole weekend.
"Fights were on and off from that point forward, and earlier the year it was released, we decided to go see another movie called 'Alone in the Dark'. I know what you're saying, but I had zero knowledge of Uwe's involvement in the film until the beginning credits started to roll. I recognized the name almost immediately, and insisted we leave the theater. My fiancee refused, and insisted we sit through it. Needless to say, the result was again nausea and a WWIII caliber argument afterwards. I think these movies breed negative energy, kind of like the negatively charged slime in Ghostbusters II.
"So I decided it was time to do something. We've all of course had our suspicions that Uwe Boll and Satan are somehow connected. So I decided to go down and have a chat with Lucifer himself, Constantine style. However, I'm too much of a pansy to slash my wrists, so I got in the bathtub and dropped a toaster in.
"When I awoke, I was in an elevator. I got up to my feet, and noticed it was steadily dropping, yet the numbers for the floors continually increased?! As the elevator descended, I heard the Muzak in the background begin to pick up some volume, and I realized the song was playing was 'Sail Away', by Enya. Being Catholic, I had often heard from the old Padres that this was rumored to be the song you hear on the way to Hell. As the music built, my heart sank in my chest, and it became increasingly loud and annoying, just like Enya. Just when I thought the music couldn't get any worse, the elevator stopped at floor 666, and the doors swung open.
"What I saw is difficult to describe. Hoards and hoards of trolls lined up at computer terminals, singing the praises of Uwe Boll. Third-Eye-Blind wailed in the background, and the air stank of Marlon Brando's pasta-fueled flatulence. My head spun from this assault on the senses, and I went to empty the contents of my stomach on the floor, but before I could, a hand reached up and covered my mouth, causing me to choke on my own vomit. The voice screamed at me, 'Kind of like watching the films of Uwe Boll, isn't it!'
"The hand belonged to none other than Jaleel White. He then proceeded to take me on a guided tour of Hell, and explained their plans, Bond-villain style. He went into detail about how Uwe Boll, while studying for his doctorate, realized that his entire life had been a sham, and that while his IQ was steadily hovering around 65, he had somehow managed to con his way through academia. It was at this point revealed to Boll that he was, indeed, the b*****d child of Satan and one of Hitler's dog's turds. As some say God takes care of small children and idiots, it was not God watching over Boll, but his father, Satan.
"Satan came to explain to Boll that he had a way to influence people into believing unbelievable garbage regarding his abilities or lack thereof, and part of this was because he was the son of the Prince of Lies. Boll cried to his father that none of his fellow schoolmates respected him, and all they ever did was make fun of his melonic dome and play video games, and watch movies that didn't suck canal water. It was at this point that Satan and Boll hatched their plan to unleash a horde of films so awful it would make heaven itself wretch and give up hope that there is basic goodness in humankind.
"He then told me of the Apocalypse, and the signs; the critics sudden acceptance of Boll's work, despite the box-office receipts; Boll's appearance on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' where he'll be interviewed by his half-brother and fellow son of Satan, James Lipton; the cancellation of Family Guy and it's replacement with the Uwe Boll video game hour; and finally, Boll's Oscar nomination. It is at the Academy Awards that people finally wake up, when God himself intercedes and vaporizes the Academy judges, many long on Satan's payroll, and Boll narrowly loses the award to Clint Eastwood, but it is too late. Boll's nomination was enough to start the Apocalypse, and it begins when he bites the head off of Haley Joel Osment, and unleashes Hell.
"Why are you telling me this, Urkel?" I asked Jaleel.
He responded, "Because there is nothing you can do about it, your soul is damned!"
I asked, "Why, because I killed myself?"
"No, you idiot", he bellowed, "You didn't kill yourself, the toaster wasn't even plugged in. When you dropped it, you hit yourself in the bean bag and blacked out. Your soul is damned because you chose to see House of the Dead over Kill Bill Vol. 1 it's opening weekend!"
"Nooooooooooooooo!" I screamed, and felt the trolls grabbing at my heels. I then remembered the ampule of Holy Water I carry in cases of emergency. I smashed it into Jaleel's face and watched it melt. It was when his voice turned all nasally and whiny that things went dark...
"I woke up in my bed. Had it all been a dream? I walked into the kitchen and saw the toaster was unplugged. I tipped it over and two soggy, strawberry Pop Tarts fell out, and I felt an ache in my nads.
"A vision of things to come? Let us pray that Urkel is wrong..."
Tara Reid look like a deer in the Headlights.
Chris Johnson wrote: Will this be in the correct aspect ratio this time?
i think the answer to that is, "who gives a f**k?"
i think the answer to that is, "who gives a f**k?"
Oh man. I can't believe someone actually has the temerity to write "director's cut" on an Uwe Boll movie.
Doesn't this mean it will actually get even WORSE?
Doesn't this mean it will actually get even WORSE?
Ya know, I actually like the cover, but, I hated the movie, and, 2 mins. won't help it any. I don't like Uwe Boll's films, but, for some odd reason, I'm stoked about Dungeon Siege.
Never seen it, and the artwork is OK, but this is supposedly one of the worst films ever made, as is BloodRayne, and anything by that director, Boll. Why are they re-releasing this when there are so many great movies that could use a nicer release?
Pretty sweet looking artwork, too bad it's a completely unnecessary release. This movie was so abominable I think even the Sci-Fi channel would have rejected it...
By the way, how the hell did Tara Reid find the time to be in this movie? Shouldn't she have been drunk off her arse in some foreign country?
By the way, how the hell did Tara Reid find the time to be in this movie? Shouldn't she have been drunk off her arse in some foreign country?
Oh yes, my life is complete. I can now die in peace...
GrnStrMovies wrote: Lincoln6Echo wrote: Ahh yesss...Uwe Boll is GOD!!! This is a definate classic for all ages!!!
your kidding right
this movie makes me puke
its awful and uwe boll is the worst director EVER!!!!
i do like the artwork but i would rather kill myself than pick this up
Yes, I was indeed kidding.
Although I am looking forward to his Dungeon Siege movie.
But hey, all is not lost...BloodRayne 2 hits DVD on Sept. 18th!!!
your kidding right
this movie makes me puke
its awful and uwe boll is the worst director EVER!!!!
i do like the artwork but i would rather kill myself than pick this up
Yes, I was indeed kidding.
Although I am looking forward to his Dungeon Siege movie.
But hey, all is not lost...BloodRayne 2 hits DVD on Sept. 18th!!!
Lexx-2 wrote: Rick Yune (!) replaces Christan Slater as Carnaby...
Rick Yune replaces Christian Slater . . . I can see the resemblance. . .
Rick Yune replaces Christian Slater . . . I can see the resemblance. . .
Will this be in the correct aspect ratio this time?
Oh YEAH! I can't wait for this! *cough*
John wrote:
If the extra two minutes involves Tara Reid in a nude sex scene, it may be worth a rental at best. I'm sure the film isn't going to be any better though.
I'm pretty sure it won't, as the first release of AITD had a hilarious commentary with Uwe Boll where he goes off on one on Tara Reid about how she wouldn't get her twins out for the sex scene. He goes on to say how she wears less when out clubbing then she had done for this movie.
It's brilliant.
If the extra two minutes involves Tara Reid in a nude sex scene, it may be worth a rental at best. I'm sure the film isn't going to be any better though.
I'm pretty sure it won't, as the first release of AITD had a hilarious commentary with Uwe Boll where he goes off on one on Tara Reid about how she wouldn't get her twins out for the sex scene. He goes on to say how she wears less when out clubbing then she had done for this movie.
It's brilliant.
Why Christian? Why? You were in one of the best movies ever {Pump Up the Volume} and now you are in one of the worst {Alone in the Dark}. What in the hell happened?
Uh, god. I believe this is a joke. A sick, sick joke.
And the fact that they even worked their asses off to give us a somewhat cool artwork does not change the fact that I will NOT rent it, let alone look at the back of the DVD. Ever.
And the fact that they even worked their asses off to give us a somewhat cool artwork does not change the fact that I will NOT rent it, let alone look at the back of the DVD. Ever.
GOD THIS MOVIE SUCKED> Glad it was a 4 for $20 deal at blockbuster. Nothing can save this bad acting
Well there is a sequel on the way, produced by Boll but directed by the writers of the first one. None of the original cast are back and Rick Yune (!) replaces Christan Slater as Carnaby... Maybe this is to help promote it. Though with "help" like that....
House of the Dead could use a Unrated cut more then this,House of the Dead is at least watchable as is BloodRayne (im pretty sure everyone will disagree but sorry,aything with Michelle Rodriguez is good,BloodRayne was pretty god) but Alone in the Dark did the WORST of any Uwe movie so why tack on two more mins?
Sam Spade wrote: Christian Slater is still acting? Everyone in the entire world should have the opportunity to box Uwe Boll. His films are great for torture,that is the only thing I can think of that his films are good for.
He's still appearing in films, I'm not sure he's been doing any acting for years.
He's still appearing in films, I'm not sure he's been doing any acting for years.
J S wrote: The end is nigh.
repent your sins mother f**kers.
i wonder if anyone will be dumbs**t enough to purchase this.
repent your sins mother f**kers.
i wonder if anyone will be dumbs**t enough to purchase this.
Christian Slater is still acting? Everyone in the entire world should have the opportunity to box Uwe Boll. His films are great for torture,that is the only thing I can think of that his films are good for.
this cover is ridiculous. I actually haven't seen a Uwe Boll movie. I know he's the worst thing since cinema was invented, but is he worthy of a rental?
why give this man more money???????
Bad cover. Bad movie. Bad actors. Bad everything.
i really like that cover and that's about it.
The end is nigh.
Lincoln6Echo was being sarcastic. This movie was just down right awful. Cover art looks good though...
WHY?
affinitty89 wrote: According to IMDb, the theatrical cut is 96 minutes. So this new version is only 2 minutes longer? I don't think that's enough to salvage this film.
If the extra two minutes involves Tara Reid in a nude sex scene, it may be worth a rental at best. I'm sure the film isn't going to be any better though.
If the extra two minutes involves Tara Reid in a nude sex scene, it may be worth a rental at best. I'm sure the film isn't going to be any better though.
Lincoln6Echo wrote: Ahh yesss...Uwe Boll is GOD!!! This is a definate classic for all ages!!!
your kidding right
this movie makes me puke
its awful and uwe boll is the worst director EVER!!!!
i do like the artwork but i would rather kill myself than pick this up
your kidding right
this movie makes me puke
its awful and uwe boll is the worst director EVER!!!!
i do like the artwork but i would rather kill myself than pick this up
Ahh yesss...Uwe Boll is GOD!!! This is a definate classic for all ages!!!
Tara Reid could do with a bit more eyeliner
Well the art is ok but I'm not interested! I wonder if this even has an audience?
According to IMDb, the theatrical cut is 96 minutes. So this new version is only 2 minutes longer? I don't think that's enough to salvage this film.
HA HA YES! Just what the doctor ordered!
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