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Do you remember your worst nightmare? Do you remember what it looked like, what it smelled like, what it sounded like? Do you remember waking up in a pool of sweat? Well I don’t have to remember, because now I own a copy of The Sinful Dwarf, and I can relive the horror anytime I want. All the grinning dwarfs, all the laughing elderly lushes, all the writhing hairy male ass, all the deceivingly naked women.


Everything about this movie is urinal-cake-in-the-gutter dirty. Things open with the dwarf coaxing a pigtailed twenty-something dressed as a child into his web with a barking flipping dog toy. The early sex scene between an apparently in-love couple of terrible actors is so terribly lit and framed, and the actual sex so awkward, that it skirts dangerously close to actual peeping-tomery. The prosthetic effects are mostly terrible, but for some reason the writhing attic whore’s track lines are at least 90% believable. Olaf makes his windup toys hump each other, before taking the piano so his elderly mother (who looks like the villainess from The Rescuers) can do a Carmen Miranda impression, which is then intercut with a John’s naked ass thrusting into one of the heroin junky girls.

The acting is subpar, to say the least, and the dialogue is disturbingly realistic considering how fucking boring it is. I’m almost positive that this is exactly how the boringest couple in all of England, and a crazy lady and her sinful dwarf son would converse. My personal favourite among the cast is Anne Sparrow, the wife, who appears to be stoned out of her gourd, and abnormally full of snot the whole time. Though Tony Eades, the husband, manages to impress with his constipation pushing Englishman voice. Factually, and somewhat disappointingly the title little person doesn’t do too much sinning, but Torbin Bille doesn’t disappoint with his eyebrows, odd pauses and screeching voice.


But the best part of the whole thing is the entirely too common domestic drama that sits in the centre of the nightmare. Bereft of all the creepy heroine junky prostitution, this is just another boringest couple in the world fights off some hard times. Think Revolutionary Road in 1973 England with about one hundred percent more sinful dwarfness.

Video

The back of the box states that The Sinful Dwarf was found in a janitor’s closet, and given the state of this disc, I believe them. Not that I expected or wanted anything more from something call The Sinful Dwarf. The print damage runs the gambit from grain, colour bleeding, discolouration, tracking lines, dirt, hair, and what appears to be good, old fashioned goo. Things are clean and clear enough for us to appreciate the blood curdling colour schemes, unkempt sets, and even the hairy man butts to their fullest extent. Things are presented in the original aspect ratio of 1.33:1, and if you’re lucky, your copy with come with a brain erasing kit.

Audio

If images of grinning little people dressed like lumber jacks don’t fill your very soul with terror, perhaps Ole Ørsted’s manic score will. Score is a little bit of a misnomer, I suppose. Maybe Hell’s breath is a better description. The track trembles with echoing keyboard strokes, atonal moaning voices, and feedback. When hanging out with the exceedingly boring protagonist couple a depressing guitar and cello piece. The volume levels fluctuate wildly throughout the film, but it is disturbingly clear for the majority of the runtime.

Extras

Extras start with ‘The Severin Controversy’, a positively silly ten minute featurette exploring a particular Severin fan’s protest of the company’s release of The Sinful Dwarf. It’s all very tongue in cheek, and very funny, including a ‘re-enactment’ of the first time this particular fan rented the film. The other extras are a theatrical trailer and two radio spots.

Overall

I’ve seen it, and now I can’t un-see it, and I want you to go through the same world altering terror I did, so please, please go out and buy The Sinful Dwarf. Buy seven copies and send them to your relatives. Misery doesn’t just love company, it craves it, and I am miserable now. Seriously, though, don’t see this movie. Stay away. Unless you aren’t a total baby, then see it. I dare you. Come on.